It is now Biggest Loser season! Yesterday I am so excited. I have a love/hate relationship with the show. My love comes from watching people transform themselves and ultimately being able to live a longer, happier life. My hate comes from the very unrealistic way they have them go about it. With that said I couldn’t wait to meet the new cast.
Of course like all the the episodes of TBL it was gut-wrenching listening to peoples stories,seeing the pain in their eyes as they explained their battles with weight. Every Time I watch or read people talk about their battles with weight I can’t help but feel a bit disconnected.
I remember when TBL first arrived on our airwaves in 2004. Back then I had no desire to watch it. I had no connection to these people, I couldn’t feel their pain. In fact I asked my bff who has been watching TBL from the beginning what I said to her when she told me I should watch the show. She told me I said “They are fat, I am fat, boo hoo get over it”
Damn that sounds harsh I know. That was my attitude though, I saw no reason to cry over being fat because in my mind it was always something I could change when I felt like it. Yes in 2004 I was overweight and yes in 2004 I had a slight urge to change but in 2004 it wasn’t a “problem” per se. My weight had no bearing on how I felt. I wasn’t un-happy. I was living my life like any 20-something skinny or not. I thought that whenever I wanted I could reverse my weight gain. I was comfortable. I didn’t eat to drown out any emotional issues (In fact I tend to not eat when I am upset). I don’t have any deep-seated resentment eating away at me that makes me punish myself with food. So in my mind I had nothing in common with these people and all they did was make me feel like I should have these issues or that something was wrong with me because I wasn’t boo-hoo’ing all the time about my weight.
When I finally started watching the show about 2 seasons ago (which by the way also co-incides with my kick start into healthy living) it really made me look at myself and the reasons why I had gained so much weight. Again like I stated above I don’t eat when I am sad, I didn’t have some tragedy in my life that drove me to eat etc. I realized that my problem was balance. I didn’t know how to balance life, and a love for food with living healthy. Growing up that was done for me. My step-father made all our meals well balanced. He made us take vitamins and showed us what healthy living was by stressing exercise. Apparently when I got on my own and had my own money all that went out the door. Not to mention the stress of having a child young, juggling 40 hrs of work with going to school full time. I had no balance and without someone regulating and reminding me I just went off the deep end.
My other problem is over-eating because something tastes good. We have all been there….”Ohhh this tastes so good and even though I’m full I’m going to eat another plate”. Yes that was me and it wasn’t always with unhealthy food that I over ate. I had to come to the realization that just because you don’t have some tragic story behind your weight gain doesn’t mean you don’t still have a problem.I credit that realization with getting me off my butt. Ultimately I had to find a balance.
Once I found that balance I found that it was actually very easy because my body no longer craved most of the foods it did before. Overly greasy foods made my body rebel something serious. I remember going to Olive Garden with my son and only eating Pasta with meat sauce. I was sick for days, my stomach couldn’t handle the grease. Truth be told that made me happy. It meant that I was changing my body for the better. My next step was to make my body stronger.
I still ask myself why it took me so long? Why I had to get to 293 lbs before I realized I had dug myself into a hole that would take more blood, sweat and tears to get out of than it did to get in. I truly thought (and still do think) I was the finest the sh*t. I mean I am a great person, I loved myself at 293 lbs. But (and this is the big question) Can you truly love yourself and be overweight? Ultimately I say yes.
Something that one of the female contestants said last night really struck a nerve. I cannot remember her name but she won the challenge to head to the ranch. She said something to the point of she was so happy because going to the ranch meant that she had a chance to be skinny and she’s never been skinny. That kind of hurt me because I feel like the true journey of losing weight isn’t to be skinny, it’s to be healthy. I know, I know skinny is the ideal for most but not for me. I want to be healthy and body-strong. If that means I am running 5K’s and 10K’s (seriously that’s as high as I am going because I don’t like running that much..lol) at a size 10,12,14 so be it. We all know the Skinny sizes are under a size 10.
In the same vein of me thinking this way I somewhat feel conflicted. Am I settling for less because my “goal” isn’t as skinny as I can be? I know I’m not but being bombarded with societies ideas of healthy, it kind of feels that way. I don’t let it get to me though, I always love myself regardless if I meet society standards or not.
I loved myself at 293 lbs. I know many may not believe it but I did. I didn’t feel disgusting or ugly but I did feel unhealthy. I never let my weight stop me from doing anything. I may have hesitated or even felt uncomfortable but I prided myself on not letting my weight stop me. My motto was “Big girls can do it too”. What I came to realize was I didn’t need to be a “big girl”. I could love myself and want to be healthy also.
This all relates directly back to TBL. I feel like they always show “tragic fats”. The ones who are so depressed, come home and stuff their faces because they hate looking at their fat bodies. The ones who feel like their lives haven’t begun because of their weight. I know it makes for good television but damn it pisses me off. I know there are more overweight people like them than like me. I love how the show motivates them but just once I’d like to see someone who loves themselves regardless of how they look. I mean seriously the person I was at 293 lbs is the same person I am now and will be when I hit my goal weight. It’s just my outlook and approach on how to live my life has changed.
I loved me then and I love healthier me now.
